There’s an emotional blowback that comes when we participate in wrongdoing and then find ourselves treated poorly. Suddenly, the hurt we feel becomes bigger than the harm we caused. We plead our case to anyone who will listen: Can you believe they did this to me?
We want understanding. We want someone to agree that we’ve been wronged. But sometimes, in telling the story, we begin where someone hurt us and leave out everything we did before that.
I know because I’ve done it.
In AA, the Fourth Step asks us to make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. We examine our resentments—who hurt us, what happened, and what it affected. Then comes the uncomfortable question: What was my part?
Where was I selfish, dishonest, afraid, or trying to control the outcome? Sometimes I discover that my part accounts for much of the very problem I’m complaining about. The inventory that began with someone else’s behavior becomes a mirror for my own.
Their wrongdoing doesn’t disappear. Neither does mine.
Jesus asks:
“And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother’s eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?”
— Matthew 7:3, KJV
It’s difficult to examine ourselves while we’re gathering witnesses against someone else. The more we defend our version, the less willing we become to let God show us what needs to change.
Accountability asks something deeper than admitting, “I’m not perfect.” It asks us to name what we did, recognize whom it hurt, and become willing to make it right.
My pain deserves honesty, too. Being hurt doesn’t automatically make me innocent, and admitting my wrongdoing doesn’t mean I deserve mistreatment. I can acknowledge both without hiding behind either.
Today, before I ask God to change the person who hurt me, I want to become willing to see what He is asking me to change.
Prayer:
God, help me tell the whole truth, especially the parts that make me uncomfortable. Show me where pride, fear, and selfishness have shaped my choices. Give me the courage to own my part, make amends where I can, and accept Your correction without turning it into another grievance. Amen.
