In my darkest moments—especially in the grip of alcoholism and addiction—I wanted nothing more than to get as far away from myself as possible. I couldn’t stand being with my own feelings, my emotions, and especially my thoughts. My thoughts, my thoughts, my thoughts—they churned endlessly. I would have done anything to escape.
People often describe it as wanting to crawl out of their own skin. That’s exactly what it felt like—my mind tricking my emotions into believing I had to run. And so the escape came. Sometimes in the form of anxiety. Sometimes in a drink or a drug to numb the pain. Sometimes in overwork, gambling, overeating, or reckless choices. Anything to get away from myself.
But the truth is, no matter how far we run, we always carry ourselves with us. As Seneca once said, “Remember, when you travel, you still have to take yourself with you.” The escape is an illusion.
To truly live, we must stop running. We must face our feelings. We must sit with the very anxieties we are desperate to avoid. Yet this is not something we can do in our own strength. Left to myself, I clung tightly to the rope of life—even as it scorched my hands. But God calls me to let go.
Martin Luther once said, “I have held many things in my hands, and I have lost them all; but whatever I have placed in God’s hands, that I still possess.” That’s the invitation—not to flee, but to come within, where God Himself waits.
Jesus gives us the same invitation:
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.” — Matthew 11:28–29
Deep within us lies peace, a soul untouched by ego or fear. But it is buried under the noise of our thoughts. We think we must run, when in truth we must look within—to the God who has been calling us home all along.
There is no peace in the regrets of the past, nor in the illusions of the future. Only here. Only now. That is where God is found.
Prayer
Heavenly Father, when I am tempted to run from myself, remind me that You are my refuge. Teach me to be still, to let go, and to trust You with every moment. Quiet the noise of my thoughts and let Your peace rise within me. In Jesus’ name, Amen.
