One of the hardest things I’ve had to face in recovery is shame. Once I got sober enough to see the wreckage I’d left behind, I had to sit with a question I’d spent years avoiding. After all the harm I’ve done, what’s the use in trying to make things right?
Then I walked into AA and met people who could tell you, in their own words, that they’d once been human dumpster fires. A few of them would probably argue over who burned the hottest. Today, some of those same people are the first to answer the phone when a newcomer calls. They give rides, make coffee, and sit with people who are convinced they’re beyond help. They remember what it felt like to be the one making that call.
In Think Like a Monk, Jay Shetty shares a story about salt and water. Stir a heaping tablespoon of salt into a cup of water and take a sip. It’s hard to taste anything else. Stir that same spoonful into a gallon of water, and you might barely taste it. Every grain of salt is still there. There’s just a whole lot more water.
That’s how I’ve come to understand shame. There are things I wish I could undo, and some damage I can only own. But every amends I can make, every promise I keep, and every time I show up for someone adds a little more water.
Shame crushes self-esteem by taking the worst things we’ve done and using them to tell us who we are. You’re no good. You’ve never been any good. So what’s the use in trying? When I believed that, I stopped giving myself a chance to become someone I could respect.
That’s where something I heard in recovery comes in. If you want self-esteem, do esteemable acts. Some days that means picking up the phone and owning something I’d rather explain away. Other days it’s as simple as doing what I said I’d do. Each time I follow through, I give myself a reason to believe I’m capable of doing good. Little by little, I learn to trust myself again.
The people in AA saw something in me I couldn’t see yet. They heard what I’d done and still made room for me at the table. Through them, I began to believe God could see the whole of me, too, and love me with the whole story in view.
If shame is telling you there’s no use trying today, do one good thing anyway. Make the call. Keep your word. Help somebody. Add a little more water.
