Most people think of love as kindness, compassion, patience, and understanding. And it is all of those things.
But sometimes love is firm.
Sometimes love holds the people around us—and ourselves—accountable.
I don't think any parent struggling with a toddler to put on a jacket in freezing weather feels particularly loving in that moment. The child may cry, fight, and think the parent is being unreasonable. But the parent sees something the child cannot. We are willing to become the bad guy for a moment because protecting someone we love matters more than being liked by them.
That, too, is love.
I recently told my sponsee, who had relapsed for the umpteenth time, that it was time to start holding himself responsible. Period.
Not because I don't have compassion for him. I do. But because I love him enough not to help him make excuses for something that is destroying his life.
It made me ask myself a difficult question:
If I were responsible for someone else's life, how diligently would I care for them?
Would I make sure they kept their commitments? Would I insist they did the things necessary to remain healthy, sober, faithful, and responsible? Would I intervene when they repeatedly made decisions that hurt them?
Of course I would.
Yet somehow, when the person we're responsible for is ourselves, we cut that person an incredible amount of slack.
We procrastinate. We compromise. We ignore what we already know. Then, when things fall apart, we sometimes blame circumstances, other people, or fate for where we've landed.
Sometimes the answer isn't mysterious.
Sometimes we simply needed more discipline.
I've often told my children that the discipline I give them is for their own good. They may push back. There have been moments when enforcing a boundary has left me wondering whether my own children even liked me very much at that particular moment.
But I carried on because love isn't measured by whether someone is happy with us today. Sometimes love means doing what we believe is right for them tomorrow.
I'm beginning to understand that I need to offer myself that same kind of love.
I ask God for direction. When His will becomes clear, my responsibility isn't to negotiate for an easier version. It is to accept it, make the most of what is before me, and continue forward.
Human nature searches for the easier, softer way.
Corrective love doesn't always work that way.
Sometimes love says no.
Sometimes love says enough.
Sometimes love says get back up and do what you already know you need to do.
And sometimes love asks us to remain faithful when absolutely nothing makes sense.
That's where this becomes difficult.
"My loved one is dying, John. How can you possibly tell me this is somehow okay? How can you say God knows what's best when my world is falling apart?"
I can't explain that.
And I don't believe we're supposed to pretend that tragedy doesn't hurt simply because we have faith.
But I return to the image of the parent and the child. A child sees only the discomfort of the moment. The parent sees farther down the road.
Perhaps our relationship with God is similar.
There are things happening in this life that, from where we stand, will never make sense. We see only a tiny piece of something infinitely larger. Yet our Father sees the entire picture.
So faith becomes trusting when understanding is unavailable.
Love becomes surrendering when control is impossible.
And discipline becomes continuing to do what is right even when doing what is right doesn't immediately make life easier.
Maybe demonstrating love isn't always about making someone comfortable.
Sometimes it's protecting them.
Sometimes it's correcting them.
Sometimes it's holding them accountable.
Sometimes it's holding ourselves accountable.
And sometimes the greatest demonstration of love is simply trusting God enough to say:
I don't understand this. I don't like this. I would never have chosen this. But I trust that You see what I cannot.
We may never receive all the answers on this side of eternity.
But the One who created us already knows them.
“For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives.”
— Hebrews 12:6
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight.”
— Proverbs 3:5–6
